Floating Bricks

For a while now it has felt as though I have a ton of weight on my chest making it difficult to breathe. I have begun to transfer my repsonsibilities to other folks on my team and with each thing I pass on it's as though another brick floats off my chest into the air above my head, floating away like baloons and letting me breathe just a little bit easier. I love it. Of course if I'm realistic there is a whole new pile of bricks waiting for me just around the corner...but I don't have to think about those right now. I'm just enjoying my freedom.

Sharp Turn in 3, 2...

It's funny how life is really...I reached a boiling point last week in the midst of running between my job in the city and my child's daycare in the country. I emotionally accepted a part-time position at 1/6 of my current salary at the daycare and gave notice at my fancy job. I can't do it anymore. The running. The worrying. Trying to be everywhere at once and everything to everyone. So I made the decisions, with my husband's understanding and support and pulled the trigger. Then my husband did a 180 and then another and then another and so on. He volleys between being understanding and supportive and then blaming me for acting impulsively and disrupting or plan for saving and throwing us into financial uncertainty. I myself, being the entirely too nostalgic being that I am, have become overwhelmed with the sadness and sorrow at the impending loss of the city I have called home for almost 12 years. I hate it to pieces. It made me sick and angry and unhappy, but I love it too and I will miss it and all it's funky parts dearly. In 11 days my life will change completely from a city commuting, sushi eating, high-falootin' analyst to a country driving, jeans wearing, mall walking suburbanite daycare teacher. (please ignore my terrible punctuation) It's what I've wanted for a long time. Yet I am, as usual, consumed with anxiety and fear that I've made all the wrong decisions and my life is going in the totally wrong direction. Please God, send me a sign, in neon preferably, that I am doing the right thing. That this move will bring relative peace and happiness to me and my family. Remember what happened to Lot's wife! BenFranklin the Salty.

If at tenthousandth time you don't succeed...

Or something like that...right? So I've decided to try Alli. I know I know. But I figure, what the hell right. So the "treatment effects" include "gas with oily spotting, loose stools, and frequent stools that are difficult to control" Woohoo! These "treatment effects" should fade after the first few days as your body adjusts. However, they will come back if you eat a meal with more than about 15 grams of fat...so in a way it's really good motivation to make healthy, low fat choices, cause if you don't you will experience an immediate and negative consequence....it's like a proverbial electric shock. I'll try anything once. They also encourage you to do it with either their food program or any other low-fat diet/weight-loss program such as Weight Watchers. So I will probably try to count points while I do it. What the hell. I have everything to lose and nothing to gain...no. wait. That's not right...or something.

I Want More

Ok, I am being very good...sort of. I had my healthy choice Sweet n'Sour chicken and it was ok and I let myself have some cheetos...sort of a lettingmyselfdowneasy kind of thing, or at least that's what I told myself. And now I'm done. It's all gone...and I want more. I want more food, particularly the greasy, salty, sugary, sweet kind. I am a rock. I am a rock. Rocks don't eat more than they need. They are thin and sexy and eat vegetables. I will be hot. I will be.

Back From the Dead

I really need to write to cope with stress and this is sort of like an online diary that I can access from work or home as needed. I won't bother with a total recap of the year plus since I last posted because that's silly. I'll just say, had a daughter who is wonderful but extremely difficult all at once. Latin Lover finished school, became a citizen and got a job in Jersey where we have since moved. I joined face book and gained a ton of weight and struggle daily to keep myself out of the candy. Usually I fail. DD (dear daughter) who usually is a terrible sleeper, slept well two nights in a row so today I feel like a new person. God must have known I was reaching my limits because I was really starting to panic over everything in my life and once i've had some sleep I feel like a new person with a renewed sense of hope. I've had a lot of revelation over the last couple of days. My time on the train gives me plenty of opportunity to think. You know how they say God never gives you more than you can handle? Well God obviously thinks I'm a lot stronger than I think I am because even amongst the many blessings in my life which I don't want to overlook, there has been stressful thing upon stressful thing and I really did feel up until this morning that I wasn't sure I could take it. That any minute I was litterally going to have a breakdown and end up in a rehab facility somewhere. But every time I get close to that point I realize that I can't do it, I can't give up and go live in a looney bin and sacrifice all responsibility because I am too curious. No matter how bad it has been in my life I have never reached a point where I didn't want to know what happens next. The same way I can't ever look away from the scary parts of the movie, I can't look away from my life. If I give up all responsibility then I also give up the right to see my daughter walk, to watch Latin Lover become an experienced engineer and fulfilled human being. I don't get to see myself trying to figure out this life and possibly finding moments of happiness. So far, I have not reached a point where life is so horrible that I don't even care if I miss the good stuff. I still care. I want to know what happens next even though I'm anxious, exhausted and confused. Next topic: I wish that wanting to be a healthy example for my daughter was enough to motivate me to lose weight. But it's not. Nor is just plain wanting to be good to myself or treating myself right. Nor is wanting to take care of the body God gave me. i do want all of these things, but they are not enough. The truth is that the one that that motivates me above all else, the thing I must cling to if I am to succeed, is that I want to look good. I want to be hot! I want to be rock hard. I want to wear tight clothes and look beautiful. I want men to want me, especially Latin Lover who has admitted he does not find me attractive at my current 205 pounds. I want to feel good in my body like I did when I was fit and sexy. I want to be a rock. A hot rock. I might get that tattooed on my hand or something so i can have a constant visible reminder. I want to be hot, beautiful, firm, sexy, and to look good in my clothes...or out of them.So that's the truth. It might not be what it should be, but it is what it is. Today, I will not eat candy or pastries because hot rocks don't eat candy and pastries. They drink water. They eat vegetables. They focus on their work to take their mind off their hunger and to keep them from getting bored. The end result is someone who is productive and thin. Ding Ding Ding! I love that I chose the name Ben Franklin. It reminds me that he never stopped trying to actively improve himself and that name is more appropriate for me today that it ever even was when I first started this blog. I don't even care if anyone reads it. I just need to empty my head of my thoughts so I can move on with my day.

10 Weeks and Gaining

Today marks 10 weeks of pregnancy. My baby is the size of a small plum. That totally blows my mind! I have already gained more than I should have...sigh. Most women should gain between 25 and 35 pounds. My Dr. has limited me to around 15 because I am already "slightly overweight." That's what she said. Like I don't know that I'm way past "slightly overweight." The idea was that the baby would motivate me to eat healthy because I feel responsible for his/her health now. And I do feel responsible. But I'm hungry DAMN IT! And I feel no less inclined to eat salads now than I did before I got pregnant. In fact, now that I can't take aspirin or Aleve or anything, sugar seems to be the only thing that gets rid of a headache. And MEAT! Oh Glorious Meat! How do I crave thy nourishment! I'm already a terrible mother! OK, I'm being dramatic, I know. And I'm only a couple of pounds ahead of schedule (and it was over the Christmas holiday) so it's not a disaster. But it is worth paying attention to. Being pregnant doesn't cure you of addiction. I have barely given OA two thoughts since I found out about my bun in the oven. Perhaps, and I already know this, it is more important than ever that I address my food addiction. Of course, I've practically ignored the woman who agreed to be my sponsor before the holidays. So now I need to call her, swallow my pride, admit my failing, and see if she will still work with me. If at the thousandth try you don't succeed, try, try again...cause otherwise you've given up and that is not acceptable. BenFranklinImpendingMother

Life Takes a Turn

Life is so funny. In case you haven't been keeping track, Latin Lover and I stopped "preventing" pregnancy in February this year. That's roughly nine months or so. I had my problems regulating my body and I had just started to worry that maybe I wasn't "fertile." So I started read up on things like Fertility & Diet and Fertility & Exercise and etc. I had an appointment scheduled with my GYN for last Friday as a follow up to the whole Cyst thing. But Thursday night, I got this eerie premonition (brought on by the horrible nausea I'd been having all week as well as a few other things) and I took a home pregnancy test. Imagine my surprise when two pink lines immediately blared off the little white stick. I immediately called everyone I care about while LL researched fallibility rates of home pregnancy tests on-line. The next morning my OB-GYN confirmed that I was six weeks and one day pregnant. She took some lovely ultra-sonic pictures and sent me on my way. I have a follow up on Jan.2. Yes, I am ecstatic. This is truly a prayer answered. I could not be more blessed. I have thanked God so many times and I am still thanking him because it is not possible to convey my utter gratitude. Not being a terribly superstitious person, I have told almost every person I know. I have been reading on line and even opened a registry already. It is hard because I'm fairly type-A and I really want to get all my ducks in a row RIGHT NOW even though I have 7 1/2 months to do everything. The real thing though, at least for today, that is on my mind, is miscarriage. I am terrified of losing this baby. Maybe it's because I'm going off of my anxiety-reducing medication but I am having a ton of anxiety about this. I feel like crossing my legs and not moving for 7 months. I am so afraid that it's just going to fall right out. I want to go to the DR. tomorrow so she can tell me if it's still in there. I don't want to be like this. It's not fun. It will also make my baby anxious if I am anxious all through my pregnancy. I considered staying on the meds but the DR told me the baby would have withdrawal during it's first two extra-uterine days and I really don't want that. What a horrible way to begin life. If it's still there, my baby has a brain already, and a heart. It will have it's second set of kidneys next week and arm buds. Even though we can't see it, it's gender is already written into his or her little DNA! I love this baby so much already that to lose it would surely be the most painful experience of my life. So congratulate me and ask your higher power to protect my little life-form. BenFranklintheMommy